My normal disordered life

Hi everyone!

This blog is part of an assignment at my university. I had to blog something interesting to me, and try and gather a sense of engagement for my project (about me).

I didn’t realise how hard this was going to be for me, because even though I wanted to write about what my life consisted of, my disordered brain made it normal for me to forget.

That’s enough of my C- brain poetry. I need to write enough posts for the assignment. I’m going to talk about my last couple of weeks and what’s been crack-a-lacking. Here are the things I’m thinking about chatting about, but I’ll update it with links as I go.

Hopefully it’ll all be done by Wednesday! If you’ve got any suggestions, let me know!

Who is Choco?

My name is Choco, and here’s a lovely picture of me! (I need to get my hair trimmed and cut again…)

I am a University of Essex student, and I am studying sociology. As part of one of my modules, one of my assignments is to start a blog. This was really exciting to me! I hadn’t checked in advance, which is perfectly in line with my character – luckily it came as a nice surprise rather than a shock.

I immediately knew what I wanted to write about – my brain, or, at least, my mental illnesses. I thought immediately of the possible positives of the process. Maybe it would be cathartic to me to talk about what I struggle with and hopefully inform people about mental illness.

Thus, I apologise in advance for the possibly chaotic nature of my writing, and the way I will spill my thoughts on the page. Not only am I dyslexic, which affects my life in more ways than one – but mostly my writing and reading skills – but my mind is so disordered that I am not sure what the correct way to do this all is. So we’ll see how it goes!

For the objective, I am diagnosed with dissociative disorder (F44.9 in the ICD), emotionally unstable personality disorder traits, comorbid depression and anxiety, and *GAAASP*… finally, gender dysphoria. I have also been diagnosed with specific learning difficulty, which aligns closely to dyslexia.

For the subjective, I like video games, retro things (I have an NES, SNES, and planning to get an N64), art, guitar, drinking and dancing, etc.! I am president of the Neurodiversity and Mental Health Society at my university. I feel very involved in activism and compelled to do my part to change the world.

Thanks for reading, and hopefully you wanna join me on this weird journey!

 

Tattoo!

Hi everyone! I have no idea whether I’m allowed to keep posting, as I don’t know when it will be marked, but hopefully, this is okay…! I’m not sure whether I want to keep this blog or not. What do you think?

(Hello to my lecturers – I don’t know who’s marking it, but it feels much more real now that I’ve actually submitted it!)

 

I think I am going to get a tattoo! Finally! I’ve wanted a tattoo in just about forever, but I’ve always wanted to make sure it is definitely something I want before I just go for it. So, I think non-impulsively, here is the tattoo I want!

tat11Tattoo

You may be able to tell that it’s not really done yet. I still need a picture of Slinky and Magic’s paw and then I am going to draw the design on paper, using the edited version as a reference. Then I’m going to head myself down to the tattoo places I’ve been recommended, and choose!! I’m not sure whether I would like it on my back or my chest.

I love my cats and I wish they could know how much I do. At least I can let everyone else know instead! 😛

Thanks for reading! What tattoos do you have, or want?

We saved a bee!

Hi everyone! We saved a bee on Monday!

Me and my partner went to university in the morning and when we came back we saw that there was a bee on the floor in the conservatory. It had probably been locked in all night, or at least for a long time. It couldn’t move at all – when we went near it, all it could do to try and defend itself was raise it’s middle legs at us. We immediately got out some sugar water and tried to convince it to drink, but I think instead it thought we were trying to hurt it.

After that, it hid in a corner and went into a sleep – we think it was dying. Eventually, we just decided to force the syrup near it, and the video you can see is of him drinking! Excuse the dirt, it’s the corner of a conservatory door in a student house 😉

The bee had its fill, and then was able to stand and twitch around. I forgot how twitchy bugs are meant to be! It must have been dying really soon. About 30 seconds after it finished eating, it flew out of the window!


It reminded me to appreciate the small things in life. It made me so happy to help this bee, and it made my day a lot better. If you’re having a bad day there’s always something little you can do to make yourself feel better! We all deserve to care for ourselves and to be happy. Prioritise yourself. ❤

Gender

Hi everyone! I explained in my last post about how I struggle with my identity – so now I’m going to talk about one thing I use to cope. Gender! Or rather, a solid reaffirming gender identity which I intensely relate to as a way of coping with my head.

I am trans & non-binary and use they/them pronouns. Non-binary means not 100% female or 100% male. For example, some non-binary people could feel masculine and feminine, or specifically genderless. For me, this means that my body and gender are not female, feminine, or womanly – I am agender. Instead my gender model allows for the fluctuations I experience with my identity. Don’t get me wrong – my gender expression came long before my awareness of dissociation. For me, my gender continues to be a source of grounding and of creativity.

That being said, I’m often too busy (or anxious) to be wacky with my gender expression like I wish I could be! Eventually, I may decide to actually go to the doctors to ask for hormones or surgery. For now, I am okay in my body – continuing my agender agenda 😉

Thanks for reading! What gender are you? How strongly do you identify with it?

False personas & identity struggles

Hi everyone!

I want to talk about a trouble I have that I think is from my dissociation – whenever I feel myself being “fake” around different people, I get into an internal crisis of what my identity actually is. I feel like most people experience this, but for me, it feels so intense and amplified.

When I am with people who I talk to often, but not often about my mental health and struggles, I feel myself shifting into someone I perceive to be more amiable. I feel like I end up hiding myself, and getting confused about who I am meant to be.

Am I a different person? Every time I feel myself switch personality – whether its emotions or situations changing how I react – I feel like I’m distancing from my identity temporarily. When my personal identity is so fragile as it is, I just get all scared.

How can I feel fake to others and to myself so often, and so painfully?

What makes you “you”?

Assignments

So, if you read my pre-spam post or either of my abouts, you’ll know that this blog is an assignment for my media module. However, this is not my only assignment! Which… is… not great.

Assignments can be difficult or easy for any person. I’m on the difficult end of the scale – but for annoying reasons. I am actually fairly confident in my abilities – I know that I understand my course and if I don’t I will be able to work it out. So what stops me from writing my essays?

Ugh, I’m not sure I even know completely. Maybe something like…

  • debilitating perfectionism – I get so scared what I’m writing isn’t the best way to say it, because I feel I am not very good at articulating myself. I write and delete so much that sometimes… I just don’t write anything.
  • unable to read – my dissociation and dyslexia interact so terribly that when it comes to reading for my assignments (as they must have references throughout). I get petrified of not being able to back up what I’m saying.
  • grades – I know that my knowledge and ability grant me at least a 2:1 if I can articulate it correctly. I get stuck in a panic loop of worrying I won’t be able to get the grade I want. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, or myself.

I still have an essay and a statistics assignment left. In March, I didn’t do an assignment – and I have no idea how debilitating it will be if I can’t resit it.

My plan is to take it one step at a time and do my best. I’ll be okay! Maybe! 😉